And we still do not know....

It has become a routine.

If I do not hear from my husband on a weekday before 10:30, I assume for the rest of the day that I will not know any more than I did when I woke up that morning. I suspend worry for a couple of hours, and the terror of not knowing kicks in around eight o'clock at night.

I spend the weekends in planning mode. I do what I can and tackle the things that have to get done regardless of the decision.

I am someone who values information. I can handle most anything if I know what it is that I am facing.

And right now, I do not know if I should make a trip to Costco for paper towels and toilet paper or if I should just buy as needed until we all leave.

Of course, there are considerations much more pressing than my paper goods, but that's another post entirely.

When I picked up some cheese from Trader Joe's last week, the expiration date reminded me just how little time we have.

And I was so sure we would know today.

Last week, I had to turn down work because I did not know where I would be when the second Spring session starts.

If we do not go with the Pilot, then I will be needing that job to fund airfare. The job filled before I could confirm my plans with my employer. It's too long of a trip to take with a lap baby. That's three separate seats, people, and two separate trips in one year. That means a lot of classes for an itinerant adjunct like myself.

Tomorrow morning, I will get up. I will feed the baby and the toddler. I will try to eat. My heart will pound every time the phone rings. And I will be sick to my stomach. The symptoms will disappear around 10:30, and tomorrow night my heart will make its presence known. I will feel it pounding in my head and in the tips of my fingers when I go to sleep, and I will wake up every two hours with the vague feeling of needing to throw up and the not-so-vague feeling of someone sitting on my chest.

As I said, it is getting to be a routine.